|
Post by Salome Weil on Apr 19, 2005 3:53:59 GMT -5
"Maybe. I would like to see my life as a social experiment. I would like to be influenced by as few people and ideas as possible. Thus I live almost like a political priestess, cloistered in an invisible room, and from that dark small space, thinking freely about the world around me. I prefer to be confined by my own walls rather than those designed for me by the thoughts and influences of others."
"Of all of you, I think I relate the best to Heikki, for although he does not realize it, he is a kindred spirit. He and I are both outsiders. We are both alone, living and thinking freely in the tortures of isolation. Though mine has been self imposed."
"But he and I both see that living and learning in society is like drinking from a poisonous well. The more aloof you are from others and from the world around you, the better able you are to make clear judgements about it."
|
|
|
Post by Shurochka Kropotkin on Apr 19, 2005 4:05:24 GMT -5
I raise an eyebrow.
"Well, you certainly are interesting. Though, I really don't understand how you can go through life, and expect not to be influenced by anything. Everything is derivative of something else, nobody's ideas are their own." I reply.
"I think that maybe you're just using this as a justification, at least in part, for your social anxiety."
|
|
|
Post by Salome Weil on Apr 19, 2005 4:09:35 GMT -5
I know that Shura has a point. Just talking to people has more influence on me than doing physical things would. I partake in many mental relationships, exchanging ideas, while I deny myself physical closeness. There is no logic to it since I would be arguably less influenced if I sought only physical relations as opposed to my mental ones. Unless I went to live in a cave, denying myself both mental and physical intimacy, I would have these influences.
"Shura..."
"The idea of physical intimacy is frightening."
|
|
|
Post by Shurochka Kropotkin on Apr 19, 2005 4:17:51 GMT -5
"But why are you so afraid?" I ask, with a genuine tone of empathy. "It doesn't have to be that way."
|
|
|
Post by Salome Weil on Apr 19, 2005 4:19:31 GMT -5
"There is a rationale to fear, maybe it's a fear of the unknown, or of hurt, or of change." I stop and think for a moment.
"I don't know why I'm afraid, I just am. There are somethings that I was made for, and somethings I was not. I don't believe I was made for relationships."
|
|
|
Post by Shurochka Kropotkin on Apr 19, 2005 4:21:58 GMT -5
"Yes, I believe that there are natural tendencies within a person to be something. Which is why certain people would love to do a job, whereas others would not. However I don't believe that there is a genetic disposition to such things like relationships. You could be asexual, sure, but you could also just be letting fear dominate your life, and dictate your actions."
|
|
|
Post by Salome Weil on Apr 19, 2005 4:22:43 GMT -5
"I don't know, maybe I am, but I really don't know what to do to change things. Rodney said he would help me out, so I guess we'll just have to see what happens." I say with a shrug.
|
|
|
Post by Shurochka Kropotkin on Apr 19, 2005 4:24:56 GMT -5
My hair stands on end when she mentions Rodney.
"He did? That sounds a little slimey to me. I wouldn't trust anyone who says that they'll help you get over your fear of intimacy if I were you." I reply.
"Unless it's me of course." I add, half jokingly.
|
|
|
Post by Salome Weil on Apr 19, 2005 4:27:10 GMT -5
I laugh uncomfortably at his statement, then look out the window trying to distract myself.
"It's getting late, I should get some sleep. Is there anything else?"
|
|
|
Post by Shurochka Kropotkin on Apr 19, 2005 4:30:43 GMT -5
"Ah, no, that's all... You should get some rest, you're right, I'm sorry, I've kept you up for awhile. I should go hunt for Heikki..." I say, then stand up. I feel a little awkward that I've made her feel a uncomfortable.
|
|
|
Post by Salome Weil on Apr 19, 2005 4:32:37 GMT -5
"Shura, good luck finding Heikki."
I get up and go to the bathroom. I brush my teeth and change into my pajamas. I get into bed and look up at him.
"And just because I chose this life, does not mean I am not attracted to you."
|
|
|
Post by Shurochka Kropotkin on Apr 19, 2005 4:40:20 GMT -5
I blink a few times, a little taken aback by this comment.
"Oh, ah, well... Well, thank you Salome..." I reply, not really sure what else to say. I sit back down on the bed.
"I would like to show you sometime."
|
|
|
Post by Salome Weil on Apr 19, 2005 4:41:47 GMT -5
I sigh. "Show me what?"
I pause and find that I am quite nervous again.
|
|
|
Post by Shurochka Kropotkin on Apr 19, 2005 4:43:35 GMT -5
"Show you that you don't have to be afraid." I say, then touch her hand. "And show you what you're missing."
|
|
|
Post by Salome Weil on Apr 19, 2005 4:44:10 GMT -5
I sit up in bed, and try pulling my hand away.
|
|